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Permalink Reply by Sarah on November 11, 2007 at 8:06pm

I can definately relate to this!!

I used to get into heated discussions with family members at the dinner table, especially around holidays, usually instigated by a comment from someone about my "weird" eating habits...I would try and stay calm but at some point I'd find myself in total defense, reciting facts about chemicals and animal cruelty and nutrition...and we all know how that goes over. it's useless.

Over the years I have thought so long and hard about the "family" issue, and recently have reached a conclusion that has helped me out a LOT, I hope maybe it will help you as well.

about a year ago, i'd had a REALLY bad day. one of those days where you feel like the world is out to get you and you can't do anything right. my uncle sat me down and spoke to me for a while. one of the things he said was something along the lines of : "if you're out and about one day, and someone comes up to you and says, 'wow! you look amazing!!' you'd probably fell pretty good about it right...?" "Right," i said. "But if an hour later someone else walks up and says 'you look like absolute crap today' it would make you feel bad...you didn't do anything different either time, you were just being yourself, so why let someone else's opinions change the way you feel??"

we went on to discuss how difficult it can be to not let what others say affect us, especially those we love most. but if you make it a goal to be conscious about staying on top of this--it really helps. at least it has done wonders for me.

if someone says something that i feel is rude, ignorant, or derogatory, i usually just keep my mouth shut and ignore them, because this person is not worth my time and energy or my tears and anger. i used to get so pissed off at the inconsiderate things that can come out of a person's mouth, and now that i have dreadlocks, at some of the looks that suburbianites can give me. i would feel so judged and become so defensive (and usually i would judge right back, as much as i hate to admit it). but now i realize that everyone has not lived my life, read what i've read, been where i've traveled, seen what i've seen, or walked in my shoes for a day-- and i realize that that is where the criticism comes from--misunderstanding. It seems to be human nature, unfortunately, to be critical of that which we do not understand, or are not familiar with. and all too often, i would mistake other's unfamiliarity for rude actions against me and become critical of them in return. then one day i realized how silly this was-- i was playing the victim when i had no need to!! (just like my uncle was saying...)

So all that being said, my advice to you would be to try and rise above any comments directed at you. Instead of getting upset at your family's ignorance (i do not use this word in a bad way!) and misunderstandings, be thankful that you are who you are (and draw strength from that--you are wonderful!!) stand firm, stay calm, take a deep breath (or 5!) and let them know you have your reasons for the choices you make and are open to them asking questions if they really want to learn, but not if they are just trying to antagonize you. Lead by example and be proud of the fact that you ARE conscious and informed, because that is probably more than many of our families ever will attempt. And lastly, keep an open mind with them, no matter how closed some of theirs may seem.

i hope some of this helps!! (and sorry if it sounded like a 'dear abby'!)

good luck!!!

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Permalink Reply by Amy on November 11, 2007 at 8:23pm

Hey Michelle!! I know exactly how you feel!!! I am originally from Ohio and although I stopped eating meat at 13, no one else in my family did and I had no friends that were vegetarian either. So it can be very difficult. I've come to the conclusion over the years that people who want to learn about vegetarianism or veganism...will ask. And they'll usually ask as soon as they find out you're vegetarian or vegan. Then there are the people who seem to have nothing else to concern themselves with than what we eat or don't eat. Those people are looking for an argument, fight, to get you all worked up for nothing....because they don't want to learn they just want to fight over it. So, usually if someone comments in a negative way about my choice of lifestyle I try to ignore them. Its also quite effective to thank that person for sharing their beliefs (whether or not you agree with them) because there isn't any way to continue arguing about it when you say that. Does that make any sense?? I have also said to people like that before, which also works, "I'm respecting your beliefs, and I hope you'll respect mine" that usually shuts them up too. LOL Don't worry though....you're not the only one going through this. I'm Buddhist and I also find that meditating before I go to a dinner that I think I'm going to encounter people of this nature helps also. And....well....now I live 3,000 miles away ;)

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